I've generally come to accept most advice given to me with a smile but behind that smile I often have the urge to slap people for being unknowingly insensitive. I do the best I can to over look the fact many people have never been in this position and often don't know what to say so in return often say stupid things. I prefer the "I'm so sorry for your loss ill be praying for you and your family" the simple and very common thing said to someone who is grieving.
I can't stand to hear people say things like "oh well you can have more kids"
First of all I am already aware I can have more children if I so desired but I'm not physically or emotionally ready for that. I'm scared more than anything to try again because of the fact it's a slim (very slim) chance of it happening again. I will do what I can to make sure my body is ready for that day and then put the rest in Gods hands. I just want to grieve over my Madi Moo for a while. I want to miss her, to cry for her, to long for her back.
The next thing that angers me is people who compare ages "oh well at least it wasn't like losing a 12 year old"
WTF people?? Seriously when did age ever matter when you lose your CHILD??
Please STOP giving advice like this unless you have had to sit there and watch your child take their last breath or see their lifeless body before you in a casket. Why does it matter how old they are? Does that make the pain any easier?? NO it doesn't! It doesn't make your heart stop hurting. It doesn't make you stop being angry because that sweet baby you carried for nine months and brought into the world just left you. A newborn, toddler, teenager, adult any age the pain still hurts!! Part of you goes when they leave you and it never comes back. Nothing can ever replace that love you feel so deeply for your sweet baby....nothing can fill that void.
"Well you knew this was going to happen"
Again WTF!
Let me explain this..
I found out at my gender appointment before I knew she had anencephaly they told me "it's a girl" then I was informed that she had a birth defect that caused her to be missing major potions of her brain and skull. We were given the option to terminate. For those who clearly don't understand that meant kill our daughter. I'm not God and I do not chose who lives and who dies! Yes I was fully aware that the odds were highly against her and she probably wasn't going to live long or even take a breath. But being the best mother I could to my daughter I gave her a chance to fight for the life I wanted her so badly to have. And guess what??? She fought hard for it. Why would any parent not be proud of that? Why would you sit there and pretend to know what you would do if you were in my shoes? Sure it's easy to look from the outside in and say things but when it's you facing with this choice it isn't easy. This journey was heartbreaking but oh so rewarding.
Those nine months I carried her, 40 weeks to the day..in return she gave us 10 beautiful days. For 10 days I felt her heart beating on my chest. I felt her warm milky skin against mine. I listened to her breathe deeply in my arms. I cried when she cried. I laughed when I tickled her toes. I wouldn't sleep just so I could watch her dream. I stayed by her side while she kept fighting to stay with me. I loved her so deeply never saw her as anything other than my precious daughter. My flesh and blood. My baby girl. My Madi Moo. Taking so much care in making sure I did everything I could to know she was happy and comfortable. Talking to her. Singing her songs. Just giving her unconditional love. Who wouldn't want that? Who wouldn't go to the ends of the earth if they could for that sweet baby who you brought into the world, who you carried for so long. Waiting for the day you would finally see that beautiful face looking back at you. Holding what was once in your belly now in your arms. Love makes you do things you never thought you could. God gives you strength on days you just can't find your own.
I prayed for time with my baby and I prayed for that moment when she left that she would be in my arms. God answered both of those prayers. For 10 days he blessed me with our very own angel and the last thing she heard was my heart beating as she took her last breath on my chest. These things I am eternally grateful for. I'm blessed beyond measure.
I don't understand why some people just can't let people grieve. I'm doing the best I can and I'm not sure what else to do. How do I keep being nice to comments that hurt so bad. To try understand those who have no clue what it's like and make ignorant comments because they just don't know what else to say. Where is it written that things aren't "as bad" because of age? Did I miss the memo that mothers who chose life regardless of the circumstances of the baby shouldn't hurt as much as someone who lost their child unexpectedly? When did it become "my situation is different than yours so I hurt more" type things?
Do people not think that my heart shattered the day I found out my baby was given a "death" sentence. Sure I had time to prep and plan things but who is ever ready to lose a child?
Where the heck is the so called rule book on death?? Maybe I need to read it because apparently I'm out of the loop.
People just need to let a grieving mother grieve regardless of what age her child was! Madilynn is my flesh and blood. The baby I had prayed for. I adored her. I thanked God for her. She is now my Angel and will always be in my heart.
Thank you to my friends who read this and who understand. I'm sorry but I need to vent every now and then...
Woosa.
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