Merry Christmas

Today was hard. You never can really prepare yourself for anything...as much as I tried to tell myself ill be ok it didn't seem to help much. I fought back the tears all day and deep down I was aching for my darling girl. My heart holds what my arms don't. So strange saying that...it's unreal that I have to carry Madilynn in my heart. Many times I've asked why but I know God had a plan for her. It brings me comfort knowing she's in heaven but doesn't change the fact I'm only human and I miss her terribly. This morning I woke up full of emotions happy for Michelle, sad for myself..it's an endless cycle. I put on a big smile for Michelle and we went to open up her gifts. With every excited look and happiness that came across her face I couldn't help but think about my Madi Moo as well. What was she doing at that very moment? Was she watching us? Laughing at sissy opening all her new toys? So many things running through my mind. Tomorrow makes 3 weeks since she joined this crazy world for her short visit. Just saying that seems crazy and unbelievable. 3 whole weeks. Time just slips by you. I was happy to see Michelle excited over all the things she got. I've missed her so much this past week like crazy. I kept her with her daddy and his family so she could finish her last week at school since I wouldn't have my "driving privileges" back till that Wednesday and I was still trying to recover from the heartache of burying Madi and the c-section that still had lingering pain. She enjoyed her time with them but it was was past due for her to be back in my arms. I hold her tight and thank God for her. My precious Michelle. I love her so much just like I love my Madi Moo. My sweet little girls, one in my arms and the other my guardian angel (along with my angel baby I miscarried)
I often think about my miscarriage, now more than ever since Madilynn grew her wings. I imagine that they are together now just waiting for the day mommy joins them. How wonderful it will be to see both my angel babies again. I often don't talk about my miscarriage for many reason but I've learned from this experience with Madilynn never to keep things bottled up inside. Michelle's father and I were together throughout high school at 17 I found out I was pregnant. The weekend before I was turning 18 I miscarried our baby. I was devastated. At 7.4 weeks the sac had a tear in it so the baby died. I was sad for a long time and found comfort back in his arms and then along came pregnancy number 2 my Michelle. I got alot of grief over that from many people saying I was trying to replace my last baby...mean hurtful comments. Never in my life did I expect to get pregnant at 17 miscarry and then get pregnant again. I should have been taking birth control like was suppose to and should have had my head in the right place but I was young and in love. The pregnancy went fine and I was over the moon to find out we were having a girl. Graduation was getting close and so was my due date. I graduated in may and then came Michelle in August followed by another birthday in October. I was 19 and now raising Michelle (single) with my parents. Not at all the life I had planned out at the time but hey I wouldn't trade it for the world. I was so happy when Phillip came into our lives (Michelle's dad loves her, we just couldn't see eye to eye) Phillip was always wonderful to us through everything and I knew that I would marry him. I never hesitated when he asked and it wasn't long after we left for TN and got married in the mountains. November 19th 2011. We started our family planning ideas and didn't have any thoughts about something going wrong because I had Michelle already. It didn't take long and we were pregnant. I never thought I could love anyone more than Michelle but along came Madilynn and boy did my heart stop when i saw that beautiful face. Having two gorgeous girls in my arms was the prefect moment. Those ten days with both my sweethearts was absolutely wonderful and I'm so thankful God blessed me with girls. They just have a way with stealing your heart and now they both hold a piece of mine forever and always.
I ramble too much when I blog but the rest is in the about section on my fb page for Madilynn. That was just the gist of Michelle and how things progressed in my life. Now I constantly think about getting pregnant again and to be honest it scares me to think that there is a "possibility" of this happening again. We plan on doing everything in our power to prevent that but it is still in the back of my mind. It will be a while before we try again but I know I will be praying hard till then and making sure my body is ready. I know now how important it is to be prepared before you try to have a baby and I will do everything I can to make sure I am. It's been a long road with ups and downs but I know God never gives us more than we can handle. My relationship with him grew so much since we found out about Madilynn and I'm thankful that it did. He has carried me so far on this journey, even when I didn't want to. A life without God is no life at all. I thank him every day for all the blessings he has given me, and especially my Madi Moo my princess too precious for earth who now gets to watch over me every night with Jesus. She was such a blessing to have in our lives even of it was for a short time. It made us value things so much more and appreciate life more.
I'm so thankful for all three of my babies.
My two beautiful angels and my sweetheart Michelle Faye.
I love you always my darlings.