My leading ladies

I usually find myself blogging about how depressed I am or how angry I am about losing Madilynn. Days are better. My heart is healing again and its all because of the amazing support group in my life. Today I want to talk about two wonderful women in my life. Without these two I wouldn't of had the strength to keep moving on. To keep my head up and find the good things in life. They have always been by my side supporting me on my weakest days.
The first is my beautiful Kk. When I met her I hated her lol. Then I got to know her and realized I had found a great friend for a lifetime. She has stuck by me through it all and had always had my back. We haven't always seen eye to eye but we always agreed to disagree and grew stronger in our friendship. She was there for me when I found out I was having Michelle and slept in the bed with me the night before I welcomed her into the world. She is the God mother of my girls and loves them to pieces. She stuck by my side through my crazy relationships and was my maid of honor at my wedding. My family took her in just as if she was their own and so did her family with me. She was with me every step of the way during my time with Madilynn and never left. Kayla brook you are my best friend and I love you. Without you I would be lost in this crazy world. You have been such a wonderful friend to me and I'm forever grateful to you. Thank you for always being there for me during the good and the bad times. I will always be here for you and no matter where this crazy life takes us we will be sisters for life.

And then there is my awesome mama hen.
Casey Thomas! Where do I even start. Whew we have seen our share of hen picking parties. Ha. You are such an amazing woman. So strong. So inspiring. Everyone who meets this beautiful lady falls in love with her because she is such a great person. Always giving me the best advice and words of wisdom even if its not what I want to hear. She is honest and will do whatever she can to help. She has seen my tears and even welcomed me into her home when I needed a place to stay. She graciously allowed her baby boy to be born on the same day as me haha
She was one of the first people I told about my sweet Madilynn and she was there for every step. She hugged me tight on nights I just couldn't keep it together and even cried with me. She was never far away when I needed someone to talk to and she knew exactly what emotions I was feeling. We were forever bonded through an experience I wish neither of us had to go through. We walked a path that few understand. We carry a pain that few will ever feel. We are angel moms. Two beautiful angels playing together in heaven waiting for the day they will see their mommies again. We know they are both in a better place and through our pain we bonded stronger than ever. You are such an amazing person and I don't know what I would do without you. Thank you for always being there for me when I couldn't even see the light in the darkness. Thank you for drying my tears when the pain was too much and for making me laugh so hard I cried. I love you hunny and you are my awesome friend. My sister for a lifetime. No matter what curves life throws at us I got your back:)

Coping..

It's been 3 months. I have had my ups and downs trying to cope with everything. Days are getting better but it still hurts. I miss her. I've started taking Paxil. I think It's helping. I just don't want to depend on a drug to help me deal with it all but maybe I need it for a little while. I'm still saddened by the fact her headstone won't be in till June. I wish they would of told me sooner. I guess it's like closure...I don't know. For now I make do with little nicknacks on her grave. I've been taking my vitamins so hopefully when the time is right we will have a healthy baby and not have to worry about hearing "anencephaly" anymore. The fear will always be there though. I know all i can do is put it in Gods hands and trust him. I pray that one day he will bless us with a healthy baby.
I went and saw my niece grace. I can't lie and say that I wasn't sad bc I was. I'm happy for my brother just sad for me. Holding her made me miss Madilynn even more. Just smelling her and feeling her breathe on my chest while I rocked her. It was bittersweet. I wished in those moments it was Madi moo again. Oh what I wouldn't give for one last cuddle with her. Just to feel her warm skin against me. Listening to her coo. So many things I miss. Things alot of people take for granted....

Dealing with the hurt

Depression...hello my old friend. Why is it I can't shake you. Every time I turn around there you are. I hate feeling this way. I hate being angry. I wish these feelings would just leave me alone. Trying to "deal" with everything is hard. Maybe I need to talk to someone. An expense I cannot afford right now. Ugh I hate finances and the lack of money to cover those finances. Where is my money tree at. Wishful thinking.
Our bills for Phillips appendectomy started to make there way in. More money that I don't have. One thing after another. When will something good happen. Trying to count my blessings but it seems harder as the days go on. I'm tired. Tired of being happy when all I want is Madilynn. Tired of bad things happening. Tired of trying.
I miss her.
I love her so much..
I started working to try get my mind off things but I'm pretty sure it's not working. People notice me and ask me if I'm Madilynns mom. My heart stops and my mind can only think about her. I love to talk about her but I just want her back. Days are hard because they are days without her. I see pictures of babies who were born around the same time and it breaks my heart how beautifully they are growing here with their mommies and mine is growing with Jesus.
I hate to question God on why he took her, why me. But I'm only human and I long for the answers. Why was she born with Anencephaly. Why do people who don't even want children or treat them like crap can have them left and right. Why do bad things happen to good people. Why her. What did I do so wrong to have her taken away.
I often think about these things but I know that I have to trust God. He knew all along what he was doing and had a plan for her long before I ever even thought about her. I just miss her. I miss her so much.
I thank God for my Michelle. My sweetheart who I adore. She is my biggest supporter. She knows exactly how to cheer me up and keeps me from giving up. At night she prays and tells God "thank you for my mommy" it melts my heart. She is a blessing, especially now when I need it most. My little love. She tells me she loves me more than candy (and then says that's a lot) lol.
Love. Laughter. Hugs and kisses. Just a few of my favorite things that she blesses me with. My light in all this darkness..
I love my girls always. I thank God for them. And I pray one day I will be reunited with my Madi Moo and she will take my hand and lead me to Jesus, Forever.
<3

Worst advice

I've come to notice walking this journey that some people can give the worst advice...
I've generally come to accept most advice given to me with a smile but behind that smile I often have the urge to slap people for being unknowingly insensitive. I do the best I can to over look the fact many people have never been in this position and often don't know what to say so in return often say stupid things. I prefer the "I'm so sorry for your loss ill be praying for you and your family" the simple and very common thing said to someone who is grieving.
I can't stand to hear people say things like "oh well you can have more kids"
First of all I am already aware I can have more children if I so desired but I'm not physically or emotionally ready for that. I'm scared more than anything to try again because of the fact it's a slim (very slim) chance of it happening again. I will do what I can to make sure my body is ready for that day and then put the rest in Gods hands. I just want to grieve over my Madi Moo for a while. I want to miss her, to cry for her, to long for her back.
The next thing that angers me is people who compare ages "oh well at least it wasn't like losing a 12 year old"
WTF people?? Seriously when did age ever matter when you lose your CHILD??
Please STOP giving advice like this unless you have had to sit there and watch your child take their last breath or see their lifeless body before you in a casket. Why does it matter how old they are? Does that make the pain any easier?? NO it doesn't! It doesn't make your heart stop hurting. It doesn't make you stop being angry because that sweet baby you carried for nine months and brought into the world just left you. A newborn, toddler, teenager, adult any age the pain still hurts!! Part of you goes when they leave you and it never comes back. Nothing can ever replace that love you feel so deeply for your sweet baby....nothing can fill that void.
"Well you knew this was going to happen"
Again WTF!
Let me explain this..
I found out at my gender appointment before I knew she had anencephaly they told me "it's a girl" then I was informed that she had a birth defect that caused her to be missing major potions of her brain and skull. We were given the option to terminate. For those who clearly don't understand that meant kill our daughter. I'm not God and I do not chose who lives and who dies! Yes I was fully aware that the odds were highly against her and she probably wasn't going to live long or even take a breath. But being the best mother I could to my daughter I gave her a chance to fight for the life I wanted her so badly to have. And guess what??? She fought hard for it. Why would any parent not be proud of that? Why would you sit there and pretend to know what you would do if you were in my shoes? Sure it's easy to look from the outside in and say things but when it's you facing with this choice it isn't easy. This journey was heartbreaking but oh so rewarding.
Those nine months I carried her, 40 weeks to the day..in return she gave us 10 beautiful days. For 10 days I felt her heart beating on my chest. I felt her warm milky skin against mine. I listened to her breathe deeply in my arms. I cried when she cried. I laughed when I tickled her toes. I wouldn't sleep just so I could watch her dream. I stayed by her side while she kept fighting to stay with me. I loved her so deeply never saw her as anything other than my precious daughter. My flesh and blood. My baby girl. My Madi Moo. Taking so much care in making sure I did everything I could to know she was happy and comfortable. Talking to her. Singing her songs. Just giving her unconditional love. Who wouldn't want that? Who wouldn't go to the ends of the earth if they could for that sweet baby who you brought into the world, who you carried for so long. Waiting for the day you would finally see that beautiful face looking back at you. Holding what was once in your belly now in your arms. Love makes you do things you never thought you could. God gives you strength on days you just can't find your own.
I prayed for time with my baby and I prayed for that moment when she left that she would be in my arms. God answered both of those prayers. For 10 days he blessed me with our very own angel and the last thing she heard was my heart beating as she took her last breath on my chest. These things I am eternally grateful for. I'm blessed beyond measure.
I don't understand why some people just can't let people grieve. I'm doing the best I can and I'm not sure what else to do. How do I keep being nice to comments that hurt so bad. To try understand those who have no clue what it's like and make ignorant comments because they just don't know what else to say. Where is it written that things aren't "as bad" because of age? Did I miss the memo that mothers who chose life regardless of the circumstances of the baby shouldn't hurt as much as someone who lost their child unexpectedly? When did it become "my situation is different than yours so I hurt more" type things?
Do people not think that my heart shattered the day I found out my baby was given a "death" sentence. Sure I had time to prep and plan things but who is ever ready to lose a child?
Where the heck is the so called rule book on death?? Maybe I need to read it because apparently I'm out of the loop.
People just need to let a grieving mother grieve regardless of what age her child was! Madilynn is my flesh and blood. The baby I had prayed for. I adored her. I thanked God for her. She is now my Angel and will always be in my heart.
Thank you to my friends who read this and who understand. I'm sorry but I need to vent every now and then...
Woosa.