Merry Christmas

Today was hard. You never can really prepare yourself for anything...as much as I tried to tell myself ill be ok it didn't seem to help much. I fought back the tears all day and deep down I was aching for my darling girl. My heart holds what my arms don't. So strange saying that...it's unreal that I have to carry Madilynn in my heart. Many times I've asked why but I know God had a plan for her. It brings me comfort knowing she's in heaven but doesn't change the fact I'm only human and I miss her terribly. This morning I woke up full of emotions happy for Michelle, sad for myself..it's an endless cycle. I put on a big smile for Michelle and we went to open up her gifts. With every excited look and happiness that came across her face I couldn't help but think about my Madi Moo as well. What was she doing at that very moment? Was she watching us? Laughing at sissy opening all her new toys? So many things running through my mind. Tomorrow makes 3 weeks since she joined this crazy world for her short visit. Just saying that seems crazy and unbelievable. 3 whole weeks. Time just slips by you. I was happy to see Michelle excited over all the things she got. I've missed her so much this past week like crazy. I kept her with her daddy and his family so she could finish her last week at school since I wouldn't have my "driving privileges" back till that Wednesday and I was still trying to recover from the heartache of burying Madi and the c-section that still had lingering pain. She enjoyed her time with them but it was was past due for her to be back in my arms. I hold her tight and thank God for her. My precious Michelle. I love her so much just like I love my Madi Moo. My sweet little girls, one in my arms and the other my guardian angel (along with my angel baby I miscarried)
I often think about my miscarriage, now more than ever since Madilynn grew her wings. I imagine that they are together now just waiting for the day mommy joins them. How wonderful it will be to see both my angel babies again. I often don't talk about my miscarriage for many reason but I've learned from this experience with Madilynn never to keep things bottled up inside. Michelle's father and I were together throughout high school at 17 I found out I was pregnant. The weekend before I was turning 18 I miscarried our baby. I was devastated. At 7.4 weeks the sac had a tear in it so the baby died. I was sad for a long time and found comfort back in his arms and then along came pregnancy number 2 my Michelle. I got alot of grief over that from many people saying I was trying to replace my last baby...mean hurtful comments. Never in my life did I expect to get pregnant at 17 miscarry and then get pregnant again. I should have been taking birth control like was suppose to and should have had my head in the right place but I was young and in love. The pregnancy went fine and I was over the moon to find out we were having a girl. Graduation was getting close and so was my due date. I graduated in may and then came Michelle in August followed by another birthday in October. I was 19 and now raising Michelle (single) with my parents. Not at all the life I had planned out at the time but hey I wouldn't trade it for the world. I was so happy when Phillip came into our lives (Michelle's dad loves her, we just couldn't see eye to eye) Phillip was always wonderful to us through everything and I knew that I would marry him. I never hesitated when he asked and it wasn't long after we left for TN and got married in the mountains. November 19th 2011. We started our family planning ideas and didn't have any thoughts about something going wrong because I had Michelle already. It didn't take long and we were pregnant. I never thought I could love anyone more than Michelle but along came Madilynn and boy did my heart stop when i saw that beautiful face. Having two gorgeous girls in my arms was the prefect moment. Those ten days with both my sweethearts was absolutely wonderful and I'm so thankful God blessed me with girls. They just have a way with stealing your heart and now they both hold a piece of mine forever and always.
I ramble too much when I blog but the rest is in the about section on my fb page for Madilynn. That was just the gist of Michelle and how things progressed in my life. Now I constantly think about getting pregnant again and to be honest it scares me to think that there is a "possibility" of this happening again. We plan on doing everything in our power to prevent that but it is still in the back of my mind. It will be a while before we try again but I know I will be praying hard till then and making sure my body is ready. I know now how important it is to be prepared before you try to have a baby and I will do everything I can to make sure I am. It's been a long road with ups and downs but I know God never gives us more than we can handle. My relationship with him grew so much since we found out about Madilynn and I'm thankful that it did. He has carried me so far on this journey, even when I didn't want to. A life without God is no life at all. I thank him every day for all the blessings he has given me, and especially my Madi Moo my princess too precious for earth who now gets to watch over me every night with Jesus. She was such a blessing to have in our lives even of it was for a short time. It made us value things so much more and appreciate life more.
I'm so thankful for all three of my babies.
My two beautiful angels and my sweetheart Michelle Faye.
I love you always my darlings.

See you when I see you

Madi Moo,
Where do I begin? How do I find the words to express all these feelings and emotions? First of all I love you.
You are so amazing princess. You have done so much work here on earth and all you had to do was lay there and look cute. The words I write can never do your story justice but I've given it the best I can. As I laid your sweet empty body to rest today I couldn't help but question myself...did I hold you enough? Did I give you enough kisses? Did I shower you with enough love? I know I shouldn't question myself but I worry like any mama would do. I just tried to give you the best possible life on earth in the short time you had available. Everyone tells me that I'm an inspiration to them as what a good Godly mother is but little do they know you were the one who was the inspiration to me. You blessed me. Thank you for allowing me to be apart of your story baby girl. How am I not an emotional wreck? How is it I can still wake up each morning and not break down and cry my eyes out and find the closest Ben and Jerry's??
I know in my heart it's because you won't let me. I know God has his arms around me so tight that not even for one moment can the devil sneak in and try break me. I' have shed so many tears for you because I miss you more than anything but you are in the best possible place and that gives me peace. Never do I have to question where you are because I know exactly where you are. You are playing with Jesus and you are WHOLE! I could only imagine how beautiful you are, people thought you were beautiful on earth! That's nothing compared to your beauty in heaven. Just thinking about that gives me strength to keep living for God so that I may join you again and I know you will be waiting at those gates for me to take my hand and we will be together forever.
Not a moment goes by that I don't think about you. Everything I see is you. Everything I hear or smell reminds me of you. I lay down at night and hold the blanket we kept you wrapped up in, it still smells like you. I dread the day that smell fades. I can't help but just weep for you, for me and for everyone else who misses you. My darling baby who I now have to carry in my heart. It shouldn't ever be this way but God knows best and I trust him fully. He knew that you had a plan greater than I could of ever imagined and he knew those tiny perfect feet would never need to touch the ground so my kisses I left on them would never have to be washed off.
People keep telling me to keep my head held high but what they don't know is it can't get any higher because I am one proud and blessed mama. Girl you know the amazing job you did. How could someone not be proud and happy? Just knowing the lives you touched and then meeting the people you have touched....it is so amazing seeing so much joy in other people's faces because YOU did it. Such a beautiful story that I'm trying my best to write for you. I pray so much that God will help me with the things to say, the things i try put into words that makes sense. It is hard trying to express all these feelings.
When I'm alone is when things are most difficult. I can't lie and say that the pain isn't deep because it is. I feel like I haven't given sissy enough attention like she deserves and it makes things harder but I know her other family members are taking good care of her. Next week is Christmas and I really hope she will be happy because when my babies are happy mommy is happy. We wish you would of been able to spend Christmas with us but now you get to spend it with Jesus and I couldn't even begin to try imagine how awesome that is. It brings me so much joy seeing Michelle laugh and all her beautiful innocences. I'm glad you got some of her features because now I will always see you in her and it makes me so happy. I love my baby girls so much and I am so glad you blessed us for the 10 wonderful days. It was perfect and I wouldn't of changed a thing. We were all together, a family, all was right in those precious days you were here. Now we all hold you in our hearts and look forward to the day we are together again as a family. You will always live on through us baby and we will love you always & forever.

Sleep tight my Angel

Madi Moo oh how we love you.
12/5/12-12/15/12
10 amazing and beautiful days. Without a doubt God sent us a miracle and she brought hope&faith to so many.
12/15/12- The day went like normal. Phillip & I were beyond tired so we went downstairs to the sleeping rooms they provide for the families. We slept till about 5am bc my mothers internal alarm woke me up. We walked to get ourselves a quick drink and then went upstairs to see how our angel was progressing. She was having some difficulty with her feeding tube and we wanted to make sure things were okay this go around. My parents were asleep and our night shift nurse informed us that she had rejected one dose, but digested the other two. (Great news) she had finally pooped (been almost 3 days) and we knew she was happy to have her bully full. All we wanted was to make sure she would be comfortable and happy. Phillip & I took turns holding her and then it came time for her next feeding (shift change so we had a new nurse & new set of doctors) We both agreed it was way past time for a shower so we headed back down to freshen up and get our parents up (who had relocated to the room to catch some sleep) All of us got ready for the day and headed to grab a quick bite to eat. It was close to 10:00 when we returned to the room.
Madilynn was rejecting the formula again, so we figured it was the formula and I would give her breast milk. It had been awhile since I had pumped anything so it took a little bit longer to get it out but I managed to get her 40ccs ready for her feeding time. We called in the nurse and started to get ready to give her the milk . My parents came in and it began...
It started off with her grunting at us, and then I swear she looked at all of our faces. It was a look we had never seen before, like she was getting a final image of us. I was holding her up because she just threw up a little formula and that's when her small spells she has started. I picked her up and put her close to my heart. We watched the monitor thinking it was just going to be like any other time....her doing it and then coming right back. It wasn't. I knew in my heart this was it. She had a faint heartbeat so I told them to detach all the cords that monitor her and take out the feeding tube. They quickly removed everything and I put her back on my chest while Phillip stood next to me holding her as well. She took one last deep long breath and that was it. She was home.
I cried and cried for my baby. My heart was broken (is broken) but I am so very grateful we were with her holding her as she left us. I know she waited for all of us to be in there before she left. She is so precious and she loved us so very much. She was here on borrowed time and touched so many lives before going back to God. He sent her down with a mission in mind and I honestly believe that she completed that from all the people she touched and the faith she restored to so many. Never would I be angry for that. I'm beyond happy that not only did she touch our families lives but she touched so many strangers lives who grew to love her from pictures and simple status updates.
All the prayer and love she got kept her going, kept her fighting a little bit longer but today she knew it was time to leave this world and be back with our All mighty God. She is whole, not feeling pain, not suffering or anything like that. She is free to spread her wings.
I love you so much my precious Madi moo and it is so very hard without you here. The days will be tough but I know you are always watching over me till I can see that sweet face again. Forever you will be in my heart till the day your in my arms again. Thank you for fighting so hard for us princess. You are such a strong and brave little Angel and I am so very proud God picked me to be apart of your wonderful story. I would do it all over again because it was so so worth having you in my arms for these 10 amazing days. You have been such a blessing to us and I love you to the moon and back. All I wanted was to make sure you knew how much you were loved and I know in my heart you did.
Thank you Lord for allowing us so much time with her. We never expected to be so blessed.
Madilynn Anahera Brown
Arrived 12/5/12 @9:19 am and left us 12/15/12 @11:51 am
Thank you princess for sharing your time with us. We love you so very much.

Welcome to the world!

12/5/12
A day that was thought to bring both joy and sadness. We were preparing to welcome our sweet baby into the world and the emotions were high. Would she come out alive? Would we hear a cry? Yelp? Anything? Would she live long
enough for mommy to hold her? So many thoughts, so many questions.
The moment finally arrived and we made our decent to the OR. A nursing stuff was prepping the scene and my spinal tap was kicking in. Dr Bennett and Dr Williams both arrived to the room and we got started. Daddy was brought in say next to me and his eyes never life mine. Both our hearts were racing and I don't even remember breathing. Just waiting. Waiting to hear a noise, anything. The final cut...a tug, some pulling and alot of pressure.
A cry! Praise God! She's alive and she's crying! Thank you Lord. My heart skipped like a thousand beats and I swear I didn't breathe for what felt like 5 minutes. The tears started to flow and I couldn't stop smiling. A little jealousy came along because the angle I was at I couldn't see her but daddy could. She continued to cry while they weighed and measured her. A beautiful 6 lbs 18 inches long. Beautiful Black hair and (now gorgeous green eyes) then they were a stunning blue! (Like most newborns) mommy's nose, daddy's looks and sissys long fingers. Just in the few seconds I saw her I had picked out every part of her and matched them perfectly to her family member she favored the most. It took a while to get finished up so Daddy took her to the room to get ready to show her off to our eager family.
A little groggy but very happy mommy finally got to make her way back to te room to finally hold that precious angel in my arms. I was praying my heart out she was still okay and would be breathing and still crying for me. (Little did I know it had already been an hour passed)
Smiling faces all over the room and tears of joy. Daddy held on tight to his beautiful angel and brought her over to me. The moment was finally here. 9months of carrying her in my womb, all the heartache, tears, happiness, sadness, (heartburn) led up to this moment.
There goes my heart again.
Here comes the tears again.
Joy just pure joy. Glory be to God. Holding her in my arms, watching her breathe, listening to her coo at me. All the things that were said "impossible" have been defied. She has fought the odds against her and showed them who is the boss, who is the mighty physician and who has say so over life! God!
Perfect moment.
We brought in the rest of our family but the main one was Michelle. Big sisters here:) from the beginning she has loved Madilynn and now comes the moment she finally gets to see her.
Her reaction was to be expected. More concerned with mommy being hurt than sissy. She kissed and cuddled me and took so many pictures on the disposable camera we bought her. (Can't wait to get it developed!)
My emotions were all over the place but I was glad to have my baby girls in my arms together. My world was complete but the thought still lingered in the back of my mind..how much more time?
Our pastor came in and we had our sweet girl dedicated to The Lord. Then we had an amazing prayer for her. I could feel the Holy Spirit in the room! It was just amazing and absolutely perfect.
We finally got moved into our room and I was more than happy. More cuddle time for me:)) and who doesn't love cuddle time? I was in heaven!
I jokingly told everyone that I would play a song and when I stopped it time to pass the baby, haha. Everyone wanted their cuddle time and I was so happy to see the joy and love In their faces holding a perfect angel.
Before we knew it time was flying by 2hrs, 5 hrs, 10 hrs. Wow just wow! No sleep for mommy because she can't keep her eyes off this beautiful girl. I was in some pain later in the night so I got some pain medicine that knocked me out so I awoke the next morning around 4 praying my baby girl was still with us and she was!
I can't begin to explain the emotions I ha felt throughout the hospital. I was so so happy that she kept fighting and keep proving the doctors wrong. We were all so amazed and we were all so in love. The hours kept passing by and before we knew it we were at 24 hours! Just saying it melts my heart. 24 whole beautiful hours our baby girl had been with us. She attempted to eat several times in the hospital and gave us plenty of poopie diapers to clean up. I was so happy that daddy got his very first diaper change in there. Things all went by so fast everything is a blur. What felt like a few minutes turned into 48 hours and before we know it our Doctor is discussing going home. Can you believe it?? Going home!!
Never did we imagine taking our princess home. I called my mom to let her know the wonderful news and the cleaning spree at home started.
Phillip packed up our bags and got everything loaded into the car. Our nurse brought our paper work and talked about everything we needed to do. They loaded us down with gauze and everything we needed to keep a fresh bandage on her.
My mom and Phillip both returned to the room at the same time and my mom with car seat in hand. They loaded her up and I signed the papers for discharge. We have the nurses their final cuddles and said our goodbyes.
Poor Phillip was so nervous he drove 20 miles an hour the whole way home. I just giggled but I'm not complaining that's precious cargo. We walked into the door and excitement set in all over the place. Smiling faces everywhere. We were so happy, my family was happy. Everything was perfect at my parents house.
More to come-

We were told she looked as if she only had her brain stem through the ultrasounds we had done but when she arrived it was clear the ultrasound was wrong (yeah right we know who the credit goes to, we know that the power of prayer is amazing) She now looks as though she has the bottom half of her brain (the part under the two main hemispheres of the brain)

I love you Madilynn

My heart aches for everyone you will leave behind my sweet angel. I know that there is no greater place than heaven and you have so many people up there who will love you and rejoice when they see you but the ones who will still be here on earth will weep for you and miss you terribly. I never imagined something like "anencephaly" was even possible but I guess you never pay attention to things until it effects you personally. In my heart I longed for you and I rejoiced the day I knew you were starting to grow inside of me. My love for you started before you were ever conceived and oh how it has grown. I don't want to imagine my life without you princess. I don't want to think about the "could haves" I want them to be possible. I want so much for you but reality tells me ill never see it. How will I tell my heart to stop aching for you....how will I tell my tears to stop crying for you. if my dreams will be the only place I can see you again how will I stay awake. The hurt will last a lifetime. I know im being selfish but I can't help it...this time I deserve to be selfish because I want to keep you not bury you.
In just a few days I will hold you in my arms and I will feel your perfect skin against mine. I will admire you and all your beauty. I will treasure that moment for the rest of my life and will always long for the day ill hold you in my arms again.
Daddy and I are so blessed. No matter what happens you have already done so many positive things in our lives and the lives of our friends and family. Everyone loves you so much darling and they haven't even met you yet.
I love you Madilynn Anahera Brown

Our last week

As I lay here watching Madilynn do back flips and side jolts in my stomach I can't help but think about how much I will miss seeing her roll all across my tummy. I've never been one to enjoy the awful side of pregnancy (constant desire to throw up, heart burn, horrible sense of smell) I do enjoy the feeling of her move and the constant attention I get from my husband about how much he loves seeing me pregnant. There will be many things I will miss about this pregnancy, if I could I would carry her forever but sadly I can't. Next week our sweet girl will make her grand arrival. I am beyond happy that God has blessed me with this much time with her and blessed me by letting me carry full term. I have had the perfect pregnancy, Madilynn has done everything against the books. She has no abnormalities other than the Anencephaly. I don't have extra amniotic fluid. She sucks her thumb, gets hiccups...does everything "they" say she would never do. She is our amazing fighter. I will deliver her at 40 weeks and I'm so glad that I have had this much time with her. God picked Phillip and I to be parents to this beautiful angel and we are truly honored. He has placed a special girl in me and has helped us through all the good and bad times we have seen over the course of this pregnancy. My strength comes from God, without him I could never walk this path.
I have always tried to keep my head held high and from the outside have succeeded but on the inside I'm just broken. My feelings have always been all over the place and I don't know how I will be next week. How will I manage to cope holding my baby girl and having to give her back to The Lord. Nobody should ever have to say goodbye to such a precious gift. My heart aches for the events to come next week. It aches for the moment we will watch her take her last breath. The day we will place her beautiful outfit on her and place her in her casket. It aches for the day ill have to watch my husband carry her tiny pink casket to the spot we will lay her in the ground.
Cuddles and kisses will have a time limit. The physical will be replaced with memories and pictures. My heart will hold what my arms cannot. I wish time would stand still for my angel. I wish the minutes would be years. I wish a million things.", but most of all I pray for peace and comfort.

Late nights, wondering mind.

As I lay here (thanksgiving eve) letting my mind wonder like many nights before this...I can't help but think about how close we are to meeting our sweet girl. I never imagined my life ending up in this direction or being picked to carry such a beautiful angel. So many thoughts rush through my mind constantly I finally decided to start writing them down. I have a journal I use to put most of my thoughts in but I finally chose to do the public type blogging so maybe my posts would be of some use to another mom out there going through the same thing. It's not an easy raps to travel but it is worth it all in the end. Love conquers all. I never thought my heart could love so much and so deeply but it does. I love my family more than anything and I am beyond blessed for everything The Lord has given us. Many nights I cried and begged God to change this for me, but tonight I thank him. I thank him for giving me a beautiful baby girl, for giving me 9 wonderful months with her, for blessing our family with close friends who pray for us constantly, for many many things.

Our journey

Today I am 38 weeks along...phew it is beyond hard to believe it has gone by so fast. It seems like just the other day we were finding out about our sweet girl and now we are just 14 days away from meeting her. I love you so much Madilynn Anahera Brown. This has been a difficult
journey to travel but I'm glad I did. Most don't understand why I chose to carry you but all I can say is love will really push you to do anything. All the heartache and all the tears are so worth the end reward of meeting you and seeing your beautiful face. My heart longs for the moment I can finally hold you in my arms and give you a millions kisses. You are my daughter and you are so precious to me. I love you more than words can describe and I know we will be together again when your soul returns to be with our wonderful and mighty God. Long before I ever thought about you he knew you and knew that I would be your mommy. I am so honored he picked me to carry you. How many people get to say they carried an angel. My sweet baby girl all the things I wish you would be able to do here on earth will never get to happen. My heart breaks for daddy because you are his very first baby and even though we will only have a few moments with you our love for you will last a lifetime and more. We know the good lord has a special plan for you but it still hurts our hearts that we can't have more time with you. I can't express enough how much we love you princess. Forever and always you will be in my heart.

It's a girl

Where to begin...
My husband and I have had such a blissful life. We met, fell in love and on November 19th 2011 were married. It was only natural that our next step would be baby planning:) I already have a daughter from a previous relationship and wanted nothing more than to let her be a big sister. A few months went by and we were surprised to see a positive pregnancy test...it was only a short time. Not thinking anything could go wrong we didn't take pre vitamins. I mean I had a healthy daughter already.. It was super early to tell anything when we went to the dr, I was maybe 4 weeks along so we had to wait another month before we would hear that beautiful heart beat. My next appointment put us at 7 weeks and then 11 weeks. It all seemed to drag on so slow but the wonderful day was here... 6/28/2012 gender reveal! Boy or Girl pink or blue. Proud big sister wanted another girl and daddy like most wanted a boy but mommy just wanted all ten fingers and toes to be perfect . 17 weeks along and "it's a girl" needless to say I had a very excited 3 year old and a now over protective husband lol. We were so excited...and I was planning in my head all the amazing things we were going to buy and how we would decorate her room. All these thoughts rushing through my mind I never noticed that our ultrasound tech was having trouble scanning. She left the room and got our dr, then they both left and she came back in saying we needed to go to the hospital and get some scans there because their machines are better. So off to the hospital we go (across the street) I got a transvaginal scan and then the tech leaves the room....needless to say we were very confused at this point but never once thought about something being wrong. I just saw my baby girl on the screen and heard that beautiful heartbeat. We were told to go back to our dr office and when we walked in we were immediately told to sit in her office and she will be right with us.
She walked in, sat down and bam "your baby doesn't have a brain"
What??? Are you crazy lady I just saw my baby....she looked fine. It's impossible. How can you not have a brain? She's nuts....you don't know what your talking about. Oh my Gosh how can this happen. What am I'm going to do now. How will I explain this to Michelle. Why us. What did we do to deserve this. What happens now...
A million thoughts running through my head and all I could do is hold my husbands hand. I looked slowly at him and my heart was breaking for him. This is his first child. His first baby girl. All the things that he will never get to do with her. Of course he loves Michelle with his whole heart but he came into her life when she was turning two so he never got to experience the beginning years.
As the doctor continued to talk about what this was and how it happens all I could do was look off into "space" and replay in my head the fact she just told me my baby doesn't have a brain. I heard the word "anencephaly" and then heard incompatible with life. I don't think I have ever in my life tried so hard to hold back the tears and failed so miserably. I remember her handing me a box of tissues and then I hear the word "medical termination"
Your nuts lady!!' No way! I'm am cussing her out in my head at this point. I completely understand now the saying "don't shoot the messenger" or whatever it is. I know it's not her fault this is happening and I know she's just looking out for my best interest as her patient. She doesn't know me personally she just knows me "medically". If she did know me then she would of never brought up abortion..(now she does know me and is very supportive of what I choose) but in the beginning she was just being realistic and following statistics. Our sweet angel had just been given a death sentence that most doctors prefer to end before 20 weeks. After researching I understand now why they are pushy for that because only 5% of women carry a baby like this to term.
We left the dr office and (with the support of my husband pretty much carrying me out) had the unwanted but needed phone call to make to our mothers. First was my mom. (I had already text her and said it was a girl) so now it was telling her our baby, if she survived to term, would die after being born. All I could say was "mama the baby doesn't have a brain" I thought it came out fine (in my head I said it perfect, in reality not so much) I finally managed to calm down a bit and told her again. I'm sure you could imagine the reaction on the other end.
Next was Phillips mom. I watched him as he dialed her number and I heard the "hello" I guess that's all it took because he couldn't get a word out from the news finally hitting him, hard. I took the phone and explained to her what we were just told and that we were going to my moms house. It doesn't take long for bad news to travel through a family (or any news for that matter) so it was just a matter of moments before everyone in both our family's knew and the calls started to come in. We were both an emotional wreck but managed to make it to my moms house, and within 30 mins so did everyone else. It was a terrible day full of tears and "I'm so sorry"
I guess everything finally set in when we got home that night and had the dark of the night to let our thoughts roam. Neither one of us were prepared for that day, or the days to follow. We were a newly wed couple who had just been given on of the hardest blows to a marriage that no one ever thinks could happen. All we could do was lay there holding each other and quietly cry ourselves to sleep.