Coping..

It's been 3 months. I have had my ups and downs trying to cope with everything. Days are getting better but it still hurts. I miss her. I've started taking Paxil. I think It's helping. I just don't want to depend on a drug to help me deal with it all but maybe I need it for a little while. I'm still saddened by the fact her headstone won't be in till June. I wish they would of told me sooner. I guess it's like closure...I don't know. For now I make do with little nicknacks on her grave. I've been taking my vitamins so hopefully when the time is right we will have a healthy baby and not have to worry about hearing "anencephaly" anymore. The fear will always be there though. I know all i can do is put it in Gods hands and trust him. I pray that one day he will bless us with a healthy baby.
I went and saw my niece grace. I can't lie and say that I wasn't sad bc I was. I'm happy for my brother just sad for me. Holding her made me miss Madilynn even more. Just smelling her and feeling her breathe on my chest while I rocked her. It was bittersweet. I wished in those moments it was Madi moo again. Oh what I wouldn't give for one last cuddle with her. Just to feel her warm skin against me. Listening to her coo. So many things I miss. Things alot of people take for granted....