As I lay here watching Madilynn do back flips and side jolts in my stomach I can't help but think about how much I will miss seeing her roll all across my tummy. I've never been one to enjoy the awful side of pregnancy (constant desire to throw up, heart burn, horrible sense of smell) I do enjoy the feeling of her move and the constant attention I get from my husband about how much he loves seeing me pregnant. There will be many things I will miss about this pregnancy, if I could I would carry her forever but sadly I can't. Next week our sweet girl will make her grand arrival. I am beyond happy that God has blessed me with this much time with her and blessed me by letting me carry full term. I have had the perfect pregnancy, Madilynn has done everything against the books. She has no abnormalities other than the Anencephaly. I don't have extra amniotic fluid. She sucks her thumb, gets hiccups...does everything "they" say she would never do. She is our amazing fighter. I will deliver her at 40 weeks and I'm so glad that I have had this much time with her. God picked Phillip and I to be parents to this beautiful angel and we are truly honored. He has placed a special girl in me and has helped us through all the good and bad times we have seen over the course of this pregnancy. My strength comes from God, without him I could never walk this path.
I have always tried to keep my head held high and from the outside have succeeded but on the inside I'm just broken. My feelings have always been all over the place and I don't know how I will be next week. How will I manage to cope holding my baby girl and having to give her back to The Lord. Nobody should ever have to say goodbye to such a precious gift. My heart aches for the events to come next week. It aches for the moment we will watch her take her last breath. The day we will place her beautiful outfit on her and place her in her casket. It aches for the day ill have to watch my husband carry her tiny pink casket to the spot we will lay her in the ground.
Cuddles and kisses will have a time limit. The physical will be replaced with memories and pictures. My heart will hold what my arms cannot. I wish time would stand still for my angel. I wish the minutes would be years. I wish a million things.", but most of all I pray for peace and comfort.
Darling girl, my heart aches for you, and what you and Philip are going through - I cannot imagine how you all are coping. Your beautiful words touched me so deeply. I pray for you all, and I do know God and his heavenly angels are with you all, and holding your hands, guiding you gently..Your divine little girl picked you both, as it takes extreme courage and unconditonal love to be the best parent you can be - your little darling knows this. God Bless you all, and so much love always. Janie xoxoxox
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