I usually find myself blogging about how depressed I am or how angry I am about losing Madilynn. Days are better. My heart is healing again and its all because of the amazing support group in my life. Today I want to talk about two wonderful women in my life. Without these two I wouldn't of had the strength to keep moving on. To keep my head up and find the good things in life. They have always been by my side supporting me on my weakest days.
The first is my beautiful Kk. When I met her I hated her lol. Then I got to know her and realized I had found a great friend for a lifetime. She has stuck by me through it all and had always had my back. We haven't always seen eye to eye but we always agreed to disagree and grew stronger in our friendship. She was there for me when I found out I was having Michelle and slept in the bed with me the night before I welcomed her into the world. She is the God mother of my girls and loves them to pieces. She stuck by my side through my crazy relationships and was my maid of honor at my wedding. My family took her in just as if she was their own and so did her family with me. She was with me every step of the way during my time with Madilynn and never left. Kayla brook you are my best friend and I love you. Without you I would be lost in this crazy world. You have been such a wonderful friend to me and I'm forever grateful to you. Thank you for always being there for me during the good and the bad times. I will always be here for you and no matter where this crazy life takes us we will be sisters for life.
And then there is my awesome mama hen.
Casey Thomas! Where do I even start. Whew we have seen our share of hen picking parties. Ha. You are such an amazing woman. So strong. So inspiring. Everyone who meets this beautiful lady falls in love with her because she is such a great person. Always giving me the best advice and words of wisdom even if its not what I want to hear. She is honest and will do whatever she can to help. She has seen my tears and even welcomed me into her home when I needed a place to stay. She graciously allowed her baby boy to be born on the same day as me haha
She was one of the first people I told about my sweet Madilynn and she was there for every step. She hugged me tight on nights I just couldn't keep it together and even cried with me. She was never far away when I needed someone to talk to and she knew exactly what emotions I was feeling. We were forever bonded through an experience I wish neither of us had to go through. We walked a path that few understand. We carry a pain that few will ever feel. We are angel moms. Two beautiful angels playing together in heaven waiting for the day they will see their mommies again. We know they are both in a better place and through our pain we bonded stronger than ever. You are such an amazing person and I don't know what I would do without you. Thank you for always being there for me when I couldn't even see the light in the darkness. Thank you for drying my tears when the pain was too much and for making me laugh so hard I cried. I love you hunny and you are my awesome friend. My sister for a lifetime. No matter what curves life throws at us I got your back:)
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Coping..
It's been 3 months. I have had my ups and downs trying to cope with everything. Days are getting better but it still hurts. I miss her. I've started taking Paxil. I think It's helping. I just don't want to depend on a drug to help me deal with it all but maybe I need it for a little while. I'm still saddened by the fact her headstone won't be in till June. I wish they would of told me sooner. I guess it's like closure...I don't know. For now I make do with little nicknacks on her grave. I've been taking my vitamins so hopefully when the time is right we will have a healthy baby and not have to worry about hearing "anencephaly" anymore. The fear will always be there though. I know all i can do is put it in Gods hands and trust him. I pray that one day he will bless us with a healthy baby.
I went and saw my niece grace. I can't lie and say that I wasn't sad bc I was. I'm happy for my brother just sad for me. Holding her made me miss Madilynn even more. Just smelling her and feeling her breathe on my chest while I rocked her. It was bittersweet. I wished in those moments it was Madi moo again. Oh what I wouldn't give for one last cuddle with her. Just to feel her warm skin against me. Listening to her coo. So many things I miss. Things alot of people take for granted....
I went and saw my niece grace. I can't lie and say that I wasn't sad bc I was. I'm happy for my brother just sad for me. Holding her made me miss Madilynn even more. Just smelling her and feeling her breathe on my chest while I rocked her. It was bittersweet. I wished in those moments it was Madi moo again. Oh what I wouldn't give for one last cuddle with her. Just to feel her warm skin against me. Listening to her coo. So many things I miss. Things alot of people take for granted....
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Dealing with the hurt
Depression...hello my old friend. Why is it I can't shake you. Every time I turn around there you are. I hate feeling this way. I hate being angry. I wish these feelings would just leave me alone. Trying to "deal" with everything is hard. Maybe I need to talk to someone. An expense I cannot afford right now. Ugh I hate finances and the lack of money to cover those finances. Where is my money tree at. Wishful thinking.
Our bills for Phillips appendectomy started to make there way in. More money that I don't have. One thing after another. When will something good happen. Trying to count my blessings but it seems harder as the days go on. I'm tired. Tired of being happy when all I want is Madilynn. Tired of bad things happening. Tired of trying.
I miss her.
I love her so much..
I started working to try get my mind off things but I'm pretty sure it's not working. People notice me and ask me if I'm Madilynns mom. My heart stops and my mind can only think about her. I love to talk about her but I just want her back. Days are hard because they are days without her. I see pictures of babies who were born around the same time and it breaks my heart how beautifully they are growing here with their mommies and mine is growing with Jesus.
I hate to question God on why he took her, why me. But I'm only human and I long for the answers. Why was she born with Anencephaly. Why do people who don't even want children or treat them like crap can have them left and right. Why do bad things happen to good people. Why her. What did I do so wrong to have her taken away.
I often think about these things but I know that I have to trust God. He knew all along what he was doing and had a plan for her long before I ever even thought about her. I just miss her. I miss her so much.
I thank God for my Michelle. My sweetheart who I adore. She is my biggest supporter. She knows exactly how to cheer me up and keeps me from giving up. At night she prays and tells God "thank you for my mommy" it melts my heart. She is a blessing, especially now when I need it most. My little love. She tells me she loves me more than candy (and then says that's a lot) lol.
Love. Laughter. Hugs and kisses. Just a few of my favorite things that she blesses me with. My light in all this darkness..
I love my girls always. I thank God for them. And I pray one day I will be reunited with my Madi Moo and she will take my hand and lead me to Jesus, Forever.
<3
Our bills for Phillips appendectomy started to make there way in. More money that I don't have. One thing after another. When will something good happen. Trying to count my blessings but it seems harder as the days go on. I'm tired. Tired of being happy when all I want is Madilynn. Tired of bad things happening. Tired of trying.
I miss her.
I love her so much..
I started working to try get my mind off things but I'm pretty sure it's not working. People notice me and ask me if I'm Madilynns mom. My heart stops and my mind can only think about her. I love to talk about her but I just want her back. Days are hard because they are days without her. I see pictures of babies who were born around the same time and it breaks my heart how beautifully they are growing here with their mommies and mine is growing with Jesus.
I hate to question God on why he took her, why me. But I'm only human and I long for the answers. Why was she born with Anencephaly. Why do people who don't even want children or treat them like crap can have them left and right. Why do bad things happen to good people. Why her. What did I do so wrong to have her taken away.
I often think about these things but I know that I have to trust God. He knew all along what he was doing and had a plan for her long before I ever even thought about her. I just miss her. I miss her so much.
I thank God for my Michelle. My sweetheart who I adore. She is my biggest supporter. She knows exactly how to cheer me up and keeps me from giving up. At night she prays and tells God "thank you for my mommy" it melts my heart. She is a blessing, especially now when I need it most. My little love. She tells me she loves me more than candy (and then says that's a lot) lol.
Love. Laughter. Hugs and kisses. Just a few of my favorite things that she blesses me with. My light in all this darkness..
I love my girls always. I thank God for them. And I pray one day I will be reunited with my Madi Moo and she will take my hand and lead me to Jesus, Forever.
<3
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Worst advice
I've come to notice walking this journey that some people can give the worst advice...
I've generally come to accept most advice given to me with a smile but behind that smile I often have the urge to slap people for being unknowingly insensitive. I do the best I can to over look the fact many people have never been in this position and often don't know what to say so in return often say stupid things. I prefer the "I'm so sorry for your loss ill be praying for you and your family" the simple and very common thing said to someone who is grieving.
I can't stand to hear people say things like "oh well you can have more kids"
First of all I am already aware I can have more children if I so desired but I'm not physically or emotionally ready for that. I'm scared more than anything to try again because of the fact it's a slim (very slim) chance of it happening again. I will do what I can to make sure my body is ready for that day and then put the rest in Gods hands. I just want to grieve over my Madi Moo for a while. I want to miss her, to cry for her, to long for her back.
The next thing that angers me is people who compare ages "oh well at least it wasn't like losing a 12 year old"
WTF people?? Seriously when did age ever matter when you lose your CHILD??
Please STOP giving advice like this unless you have had to sit there and watch your child take their last breath or see their lifeless body before you in a casket. Why does it matter how old they are? Does that make the pain any easier?? NO it doesn't! It doesn't make your heart stop hurting. It doesn't make you stop being angry because that sweet baby you carried for nine months and brought into the world just left you. A newborn, toddler, teenager, adult any age the pain still hurts!! Part of you goes when they leave you and it never comes back. Nothing can ever replace that love you feel so deeply for your sweet baby....nothing can fill that void.
"Well you knew this was going to happen"
Again WTF!
Let me explain this..
I found out at my gender appointment before I knew she had anencephaly they told me "it's a girl" then I was informed that she had a birth defect that caused her to be missing major potions of her brain and skull. We were given the option to terminate. For those who clearly don't understand that meant kill our daughter. I'm not God and I do not chose who lives and who dies! Yes I was fully aware that the odds were highly against her and she probably wasn't going to live long or even take a breath. But being the best mother I could to my daughter I gave her a chance to fight for the life I wanted her so badly to have. And guess what??? She fought hard for it. Why would any parent not be proud of that? Why would you sit there and pretend to know what you would do if you were in my shoes? Sure it's easy to look from the outside in and say things but when it's you facing with this choice it isn't easy. This journey was heartbreaking but oh so rewarding.
Those nine months I carried her, 40 weeks to the day..in return she gave us 10 beautiful days. For 10 days I felt her heart beating on my chest. I felt her warm milky skin against mine. I listened to her breathe deeply in my arms. I cried when she cried. I laughed when I tickled her toes. I wouldn't sleep just so I could watch her dream. I stayed by her side while she kept fighting to stay with me. I loved her so deeply never saw her as anything other than my precious daughter. My flesh and blood. My baby girl. My Madi Moo. Taking so much care in making sure I did everything I could to know she was happy and comfortable. Talking to her. Singing her songs. Just giving her unconditional love. Who wouldn't want that? Who wouldn't go to the ends of the earth if they could for that sweet baby who you brought into the world, who you carried for so long. Waiting for the day you would finally see that beautiful face looking back at you. Holding what was once in your belly now in your arms. Love makes you do things you never thought you could. God gives you strength on days you just can't find your own.
I prayed for time with my baby and I prayed for that moment when she left that she would be in my arms. God answered both of those prayers. For 10 days he blessed me with our very own angel and the last thing she heard was my heart beating as she took her last breath on my chest. These things I am eternally grateful for. I'm blessed beyond measure.
I don't understand why some people just can't let people grieve. I'm doing the best I can and I'm not sure what else to do. How do I keep being nice to comments that hurt so bad. To try understand those who have no clue what it's like and make ignorant comments because they just don't know what else to say. Where is it written that things aren't "as bad" because of age? Did I miss the memo that mothers who chose life regardless of the circumstances of the baby shouldn't hurt as much as someone who lost their child unexpectedly? When did it become "my situation is different than yours so I hurt more" type things?
Do people not think that my heart shattered the day I found out my baby was given a "death" sentence. Sure I had time to prep and plan things but who is ever ready to lose a child?
Where the heck is the so called rule book on death?? Maybe I need to read it because apparently I'm out of the loop.
People just need to let a grieving mother grieve regardless of what age her child was! Madilynn is my flesh and blood. The baby I had prayed for. I adored her. I thanked God for her. She is now my Angel and will always be in my heart.
Thank you to my friends who read this and who understand. I'm sorry but I need to vent every now and then...
Woosa.
I've generally come to accept most advice given to me with a smile but behind that smile I often have the urge to slap people for being unknowingly insensitive. I do the best I can to over look the fact many people have never been in this position and often don't know what to say so in return often say stupid things. I prefer the "I'm so sorry for your loss ill be praying for you and your family" the simple and very common thing said to someone who is grieving.
I can't stand to hear people say things like "oh well you can have more kids"
First of all I am already aware I can have more children if I so desired but I'm not physically or emotionally ready for that. I'm scared more than anything to try again because of the fact it's a slim (very slim) chance of it happening again. I will do what I can to make sure my body is ready for that day and then put the rest in Gods hands. I just want to grieve over my Madi Moo for a while. I want to miss her, to cry for her, to long for her back.
The next thing that angers me is people who compare ages "oh well at least it wasn't like losing a 12 year old"
WTF people?? Seriously when did age ever matter when you lose your CHILD??
Please STOP giving advice like this unless you have had to sit there and watch your child take their last breath or see their lifeless body before you in a casket. Why does it matter how old they are? Does that make the pain any easier?? NO it doesn't! It doesn't make your heart stop hurting. It doesn't make you stop being angry because that sweet baby you carried for nine months and brought into the world just left you. A newborn, toddler, teenager, adult any age the pain still hurts!! Part of you goes when they leave you and it never comes back. Nothing can ever replace that love you feel so deeply for your sweet baby....nothing can fill that void.
"Well you knew this was going to happen"
Again WTF!
Let me explain this..
I found out at my gender appointment before I knew she had anencephaly they told me "it's a girl" then I was informed that she had a birth defect that caused her to be missing major potions of her brain and skull. We were given the option to terminate. For those who clearly don't understand that meant kill our daughter. I'm not God and I do not chose who lives and who dies! Yes I was fully aware that the odds were highly against her and she probably wasn't going to live long or even take a breath. But being the best mother I could to my daughter I gave her a chance to fight for the life I wanted her so badly to have. And guess what??? She fought hard for it. Why would any parent not be proud of that? Why would you sit there and pretend to know what you would do if you were in my shoes? Sure it's easy to look from the outside in and say things but when it's you facing with this choice it isn't easy. This journey was heartbreaking but oh so rewarding.
Those nine months I carried her, 40 weeks to the day..in return she gave us 10 beautiful days. For 10 days I felt her heart beating on my chest. I felt her warm milky skin against mine. I listened to her breathe deeply in my arms. I cried when she cried. I laughed when I tickled her toes. I wouldn't sleep just so I could watch her dream. I stayed by her side while she kept fighting to stay with me. I loved her so deeply never saw her as anything other than my precious daughter. My flesh and blood. My baby girl. My Madi Moo. Taking so much care in making sure I did everything I could to know she was happy and comfortable. Talking to her. Singing her songs. Just giving her unconditional love. Who wouldn't want that? Who wouldn't go to the ends of the earth if they could for that sweet baby who you brought into the world, who you carried for so long. Waiting for the day you would finally see that beautiful face looking back at you. Holding what was once in your belly now in your arms. Love makes you do things you never thought you could. God gives you strength on days you just can't find your own.
I prayed for time with my baby and I prayed for that moment when she left that she would be in my arms. God answered both of those prayers. For 10 days he blessed me with our very own angel and the last thing she heard was my heart beating as she took her last breath on my chest. These things I am eternally grateful for. I'm blessed beyond measure.
I don't understand why some people just can't let people grieve. I'm doing the best I can and I'm not sure what else to do. How do I keep being nice to comments that hurt so bad. To try understand those who have no clue what it's like and make ignorant comments because they just don't know what else to say. Where is it written that things aren't "as bad" because of age? Did I miss the memo that mothers who chose life regardless of the circumstances of the baby shouldn't hurt as much as someone who lost their child unexpectedly? When did it become "my situation is different than yours so I hurt more" type things?
Do people not think that my heart shattered the day I found out my baby was given a "death" sentence. Sure I had time to prep and plan things but who is ever ready to lose a child?
Where the heck is the so called rule book on death?? Maybe I need to read it because apparently I'm out of the loop.
People just need to let a grieving mother grieve regardless of what age her child was! Madilynn is my flesh and blood. The baby I had prayed for. I adored her. I thanked God for her. She is now my Angel and will always be in my heart.
Thank you to my friends who read this and who understand. I'm sorry but I need to vent every now and then...
Woosa.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Merry Christmas
Today was hard. You never can really prepare yourself for anything...as much as I tried to tell myself ill be ok it didn't seem to help much. I fought back the tears all day and deep down I was aching for my darling girl. My heart holds what my arms don't. So strange saying that...it's unreal that I have to carry Madilynn in my heart. Many times I've asked why but I know God had a plan for her. It brings me comfort knowing she's in heaven but doesn't change the fact I'm only human and I miss her terribly. This morning I woke up full of emotions happy for Michelle, sad for myself..it's an endless cycle. I put on a big smile for Michelle and we went to open up her gifts. With every excited look and happiness that came across her face I couldn't help but think about my Madi Moo as well. What was she doing at that very moment? Was she watching us? Laughing at sissy opening all her new toys? So many things running through my mind. Tomorrow makes 3 weeks since she joined this crazy world for her short visit. Just saying that seems crazy and unbelievable. 3 whole weeks. Time just slips by you. I was happy to see Michelle excited over all the things she got. I've missed her so much this past week like crazy. I kept her with her daddy and his family so she could finish her last week at school since I wouldn't have my "driving privileges" back till that Wednesday and I was still trying to recover from the heartache of burying Madi and the c-section that still had lingering pain. She enjoyed her time with them but it was was past due for her to be back in my arms. I hold her tight and thank God for her. My precious Michelle. I love her so much just like I love my Madi Moo. My sweet little girls, one in my arms and the other my guardian angel (along with my angel baby I miscarried)
I often think about my miscarriage, now more than ever since Madilynn grew her wings. I imagine that they are together now just waiting for the day mommy joins them. How wonderful it will be to see both my angel babies again. I often don't talk about my miscarriage for many reason but I've learned from this experience with Madilynn never to keep things bottled up inside. Michelle's father and I were together throughout high school at 17 I found out I was pregnant. The weekend before I was turning 18 I miscarried our baby. I was devastated. At 7.4 weeks the sac had a tear in it so the baby died. I was sad for a long time and found comfort back in his arms and then along came pregnancy number 2 my Michelle. I got alot of grief over that from many people saying I was trying to replace my last baby...mean hurtful comments. Never in my life did I expect to get pregnant at 17 miscarry and then get pregnant again. I should have been taking birth control like was suppose to and should have had my head in the right place but I was young and in love. The pregnancy went fine and I was over the moon to find out we were having a girl. Graduation was getting close and so was my due date. I graduated in may and then came Michelle in August followed by another birthday in October. I was 19 and now raising Michelle (single) with my parents. Not at all the life I had planned out at the time but hey I wouldn't trade it for the world. I was so happy when Phillip came into our lives (Michelle's dad loves her, we just couldn't see eye to eye) Phillip was always wonderful to us through everything and I knew that I would marry him. I never hesitated when he asked and it wasn't long after we left for TN and got married in the mountains. November 19th 2011. We started our family planning ideas and didn't have any thoughts about something going wrong because I had Michelle already. It didn't take long and we were pregnant. I never thought I could love anyone more than Michelle but along came Madilynn and boy did my heart stop when i saw that beautiful face. Having two gorgeous girls in my arms was the prefect moment. Those ten days with both my sweethearts was absolutely wonderful and I'm so thankful God blessed me with girls. They just have a way with stealing your heart and now they both hold a piece of mine forever and always.
I ramble too much when I blog but the rest is in the about section on my fb page for Madilynn. That was just the gist of Michelle and how things progressed in my life. Now I constantly think about getting pregnant again and to be honest it scares me to think that there is a "possibility" of this happening again. We plan on doing everything in our power to prevent that but it is still in the back of my mind. It will be a while before we try again but I know I will be praying hard till then and making sure my body is ready. I know now how important it is to be prepared before you try to have a baby and I will do everything I can to make sure I am. It's been a long road with ups and downs but I know God never gives us more than we can handle. My relationship with him grew so much since we found out about Madilynn and I'm thankful that it did. He has carried me so far on this journey, even when I didn't want to. A life without God is no life at all. I thank him every day for all the blessings he has given me, and especially my Madi Moo my princess too precious for earth who now gets to watch over me every night with Jesus. She was such a blessing to have in our lives even of it was for a short time. It made us value things so much more and appreciate life more.
I'm so thankful for all three of my babies.
My two beautiful angels and my sweetheart Michelle Faye.
I love you always my darlings.
I often think about my miscarriage, now more than ever since Madilynn grew her wings. I imagine that they are together now just waiting for the day mommy joins them. How wonderful it will be to see both my angel babies again. I often don't talk about my miscarriage for many reason but I've learned from this experience with Madilynn never to keep things bottled up inside. Michelle's father and I were together throughout high school at 17 I found out I was pregnant. The weekend before I was turning 18 I miscarried our baby. I was devastated. At 7.4 weeks the sac had a tear in it so the baby died. I was sad for a long time and found comfort back in his arms and then along came pregnancy number 2 my Michelle. I got alot of grief over that from many people saying I was trying to replace my last baby...mean hurtful comments. Never in my life did I expect to get pregnant at 17 miscarry and then get pregnant again. I should have been taking birth control like was suppose to and should have had my head in the right place but I was young and in love. The pregnancy went fine and I was over the moon to find out we were having a girl. Graduation was getting close and so was my due date. I graduated in may and then came Michelle in August followed by another birthday in October. I was 19 and now raising Michelle (single) with my parents. Not at all the life I had planned out at the time but hey I wouldn't trade it for the world. I was so happy when Phillip came into our lives (Michelle's dad loves her, we just couldn't see eye to eye) Phillip was always wonderful to us through everything and I knew that I would marry him. I never hesitated when he asked and it wasn't long after we left for TN and got married in the mountains. November 19th 2011. We started our family planning ideas and didn't have any thoughts about something going wrong because I had Michelle already. It didn't take long and we were pregnant. I never thought I could love anyone more than Michelle but along came Madilynn and boy did my heart stop when i saw that beautiful face. Having two gorgeous girls in my arms was the prefect moment. Those ten days with both my sweethearts was absolutely wonderful and I'm so thankful God blessed me with girls. They just have a way with stealing your heart and now they both hold a piece of mine forever and always.
I ramble too much when I blog but the rest is in the about section on my fb page for Madilynn. That was just the gist of Michelle and how things progressed in my life. Now I constantly think about getting pregnant again and to be honest it scares me to think that there is a "possibility" of this happening again. We plan on doing everything in our power to prevent that but it is still in the back of my mind. It will be a while before we try again but I know I will be praying hard till then and making sure my body is ready. I know now how important it is to be prepared before you try to have a baby and I will do everything I can to make sure I am. It's been a long road with ups and downs but I know God never gives us more than we can handle. My relationship with him grew so much since we found out about Madilynn and I'm thankful that it did. He has carried me so far on this journey, even when I didn't want to. A life without God is no life at all. I thank him every day for all the blessings he has given me, and especially my Madi Moo my princess too precious for earth who now gets to watch over me every night with Jesus. She was such a blessing to have in our lives even of it was for a short time. It made us value things so much more and appreciate life more.
I'm so thankful for all three of my babies.
My two beautiful angels and my sweetheart Michelle Faye.
I love you always my darlings.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
See you when I see you
Madi Moo,
Where do I begin? How do I find the words to express all these feelings and emotions? First of all I love you.
You are so amazing princess. You have done so much work here on earth and all you had to do was lay there and look cute. The words I write can never do your story justice but I've given it the best I can. As I laid your sweet empty body to rest today I couldn't help but question myself...did I hold you enough? Did I give you enough kisses? Did I shower you with enough love? I know I shouldn't question myself but I worry like any mama would do. I just tried to give you the best possible life on earth in the short time you had available. Everyone tells me that I'm an inspiration to them as what a good Godly mother is but little do they know you were the one who was the inspiration to me. You blessed me. Thank you for allowing me to be apart of your story baby girl. How am I not an emotional wreck? How is it I can still wake up each morning and not break down and cry my eyes out and find the closest Ben and Jerry's??
I know in my heart it's because you won't let me. I know God has his arms around me so tight that not even for one moment can the devil sneak in and try break me. I' have shed so many tears for you because I miss you more than anything but you are in the best possible place and that gives me peace. Never do I have to question where you are because I know exactly where you are. You are playing with Jesus and you are WHOLE! I could only imagine how beautiful you are, people thought you were beautiful on earth! That's nothing compared to your beauty in heaven. Just thinking about that gives me strength to keep living for God so that I may join you again and I know you will be waiting at those gates for me to take my hand and we will be together forever.
Not a moment goes by that I don't think about you. Everything I see is you. Everything I hear or smell reminds me of you. I lay down at night and hold the blanket we kept you wrapped up in, it still smells like you. I dread the day that smell fades. I can't help but just weep for you, for me and for everyone else who misses you. My darling baby who I now have to carry in my heart. It shouldn't ever be this way but God knows best and I trust him fully. He knew that you had a plan greater than I could of ever imagined and he knew those tiny perfect feet would never need to touch the ground so my kisses I left on them would never have to be washed off.
People keep telling me to keep my head held high but what they don't know is it can't get any higher because I am one proud and blessed mama. Girl you know the amazing job you did. How could someone not be proud and happy? Just knowing the lives you touched and then meeting the people you have touched....it is so amazing seeing so much joy in other people's faces because YOU did it. Such a beautiful story that I'm trying my best to write for you. I pray so much that God will help me with the things to say, the things i try put into words that makes sense. It is hard trying to express all these feelings.
When I'm alone is when things are most difficult. I can't lie and say that the pain isn't deep because it is. I feel like I haven't given sissy enough attention like she deserves and it makes things harder but I know her other family members are taking good care of her. Next week is Christmas and I really hope she will be happy because when my babies are happy mommy is happy. We wish you would of been able to spend Christmas with us but now you get to spend it with Jesus and I couldn't even begin to try imagine how awesome that is. It brings me so much joy seeing Michelle laugh and all her beautiful innocences. I'm glad you got some of her features because now I will always see you in her and it makes me so happy. I love my baby girls so much and I am so glad you blessed us for the 10 wonderful days. It was perfect and I wouldn't of changed a thing. We were all together, a family, all was right in those precious days you were here. Now we all hold you in our hearts and look forward to the day we are together again as a family. You will always live on through us baby and we will love you always & forever.
Where do I begin? How do I find the words to express all these feelings and emotions? First of all I love you.
You are so amazing princess. You have done so much work here on earth and all you had to do was lay there and look cute. The words I write can never do your story justice but I've given it the best I can. As I laid your sweet empty body to rest today I couldn't help but question myself...did I hold you enough? Did I give you enough kisses? Did I shower you with enough love? I know I shouldn't question myself but I worry like any mama would do. I just tried to give you the best possible life on earth in the short time you had available. Everyone tells me that I'm an inspiration to them as what a good Godly mother is but little do they know you were the one who was the inspiration to me. You blessed me. Thank you for allowing me to be apart of your story baby girl. How am I not an emotional wreck? How is it I can still wake up each morning and not break down and cry my eyes out and find the closest Ben and Jerry's??
I know in my heart it's because you won't let me. I know God has his arms around me so tight that not even for one moment can the devil sneak in and try break me. I' have shed so many tears for you because I miss you more than anything but you are in the best possible place and that gives me peace. Never do I have to question where you are because I know exactly where you are. You are playing with Jesus and you are WHOLE! I could only imagine how beautiful you are, people thought you were beautiful on earth! That's nothing compared to your beauty in heaven. Just thinking about that gives me strength to keep living for God so that I may join you again and I know you will be waiting at those gates for me to take my hand and we will be together forever.
Not a moment goes by that I don't think about you. Everything I see is you. Everything I hear or smell reminds me of you. I lay down at night and hold the blanket we kept you wrapped up in, it still smells like you. I dread the day that smell fades. I can't help but just weep for you, for me and for everyone else who misses you. My darling baby who I now have to carry in my heart. It shouldn't ever be this way but God knows best and I trust him fully. He knew that you had a plan greater than I could of ever imagined and he knew those tiny perfect feet would never need to touch the ground so my kisses I left on them would never have to be washed off.
People keep telling me to keep my head held high but what they don't know is it can't get any higher because I am one proud and blessed mama. Girl you know the amazing job you did. How could someone not be proud and happy? Just knowing the lives you touched and then meeting the people you have touched....it is so amazing seeing so much joy in other people's faces because YOU did it. Such a beautiful story that I'm trying my best to write for you. I pray so much that God will help me with the things to say, the things i try put into words that makes sense. It is hard trying to express all these feelings.
When I'm alone is when things are most difficult. I can't lie and say that the pain isn't deep because it is. I feel like I haven't given sissy enough attention like she deserves and it makes things harder but I know her other family members are taking good care of her. Next week is Christmas and I really hope she will be happy because when my babies are happy mommy is happy. We wish you would of been able to spend Christmas with us but now you get to spend it with Jesus and I couldn't even begin to try imagine how awesome that is. It brings me so much joy seeing Michelle laugh and all her beautiful innocences. I'm glad you got some of her features because now I will always see you in her and it makes me so happy. I love my baby girls so much and I am so glad you blessed us for the 10 wonderful days. It was perfect and I wouldn't of changed a thing. We were all together, a family, all was right in those precious days you were here. Now we all hold you in our hearts and look forward to the day we are together again as a family. You will always live on through us baby and we will love you always & forever.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Sleep tight my Angel
Madi Moo oh how we love you.
12/5/12-12/15/12
10 amazing and beautiful days. Without a doubt God sent us a miracle and she brought hope&faith to so many.
12/15/12- The day went like normal. Phillip & I were beyond tired so we went downstairs to the sleeping rooms they provide for the families. We slept till about 5am bc my mothers internal alarm woke me up. We walked to get ourselves a quick drink and then went upstairs to see how our angel was progressing. She was having some difficulty with her feeding tube and we wanted to make sure things were okay this go around. My parents were asleep and our night shift nurse informed us that she had rejected one dose, but digested the other two. (Great news) she had finally pooped (been almost 3 days) and we knew she was happy to have her bully full. All we wanted was to make sure she would be comfortable and happy. Phillip & I took turns holding her and then it came time for her next feeding (shift change so we had a new nurse & new set of doctors) We both agreed it was way past time for a shower so we headed back down to freshen up and get our parents up (who had relocated to the room to catch some sleep) All of us got ready for the day and headed to grab a quick bite to eat. It was close to 10:00 when we returned to the room.
Madilynn was rejecting the formula again, so we figured it was the formula and I would give her breast milk. It had been awhile since I had pumped anything so it took a little bit longer to get it out but I managed to get her 40ccs ready for her feeding time. We called in the nurse and started to get ready to give her the milk . My parents came in and it began...
It started off with her grunting at us, and then I swear she looked at all of our faces. It was a look we had never seen before, like she was getting a final image of us. I was holding her up because she just threw up a little formula and that's when her small spells she has started. I picked her up and put her close to my heart. We watched the monitor thinking it was just going to be like any other time....her doing it and then coming right back. It wasn't. I knew in my heart this was it. She had a faint heartbeat so I told them to detach all the cords that monitor her and take out the feeding tube. They quickly removed everything and I put her back on my chest while Phillip stood next to me holding her as well. She took one last deep long breath and that was it. She was home.
I cried and cried for my baby. My heart was broken (is broken) but I am so very grateful we were with her holding her as she left us. I know she waited for all of us to be in there before she left. She is so precious and she loved us so very much. She was here on borrowed time and touched so many lives before going back to God. He sent her down with a mission in mind and I honestly believe that she completed that from all the people she touched and the faith she restored to so many. Never would I be angry for that. I'm beyond happy that not only did she touch our families lives but she touched so many strangers lives who grew to love her from pictures and simple status updates.
All the prayer and love she got kept her going, kept her fighting a little bit longer but today she knew it was time to leave this world and be back with our All mighty God. She is whole, not feeling pain, not suffering or anything like that. She is free to spread her wings.
I love you so much my precious Madi moo and it is so very hard without you here. The days will be tough but I know you are always watching over me till I can see that sweet face again. Forever you will be in my heart till the day your in my arms again. Thank you for fighting so hard for us princess. You are such a strong and brave little Angel and I am so very proud God picked me to be apart of your wonderful story. I would do it all over again because it was so so worth having you in my arms for these 10 amazing days. You have been such a blessing to us and I love you to the moon and back. All I wanted was to make sure you knew how much you were loved and I know in my heart you did.
Thank you Lord for allowing us so much time with her. We never expected to be so blessed.
Madilynn Anahera Brown
Arrived 12/5/12 @9:19 am and left us 12/15/12 @11:51 am
Thank you princess for sharing your time with us. We love you so very much.
12/5/12-12/15/12
10 amazing and beautiful days. Without a doubt God sent us a miracle and she brought hope&faith to so many.
12/15/12- The day went like normal. Phillip & I were beyond tired so we went downstairs to the sleeping rooms they provide for the families. We slept till about 5am bc my mothers internal alarm woke me up. We walked to get ourselves a quick drink and then went upstairs to see how our angel was progressing. She was having some difficulty with her feeding tube and we wanted to make sure things were okay this go around. My parents were asleep and our night shift nurse informed us that she had rejected one dose, but digested the other two. (Great news) she had finally pooped (been almost 3 days) and we knew she was happy to have her bully full. All we wanted was to make sure she would be comfortable and happy. Phillip & I took turns holding her and then it came time for her next feeding (shift change so we had a new nurse & new set of doctors) We both agreed it was way past time for a shower so we headed back down to freshen up and get our parents up (who had relocated to the room to catch some sleep) All of us got ready for the day and headed to grab a quick bite to eat. It was close to 10:00 when we returned to the room.
Madilynn was rejecting the formula again, so we figured it was the formula and I would give her breast milk. It had been awhile since I had pumped anything so it took a little bit longer to get it out but I managed to get her 40ccs ready for her feeding time. We called in the nurse and started to get ready to give her the milk . My parents came in and it began...
It started off with her grunting at us, and then I swear she looked at all of our faces. It was a look we had never seen before, like she was getting a final image of us. I was holding her up because she just threw up a little formula and that's when her small spells she has started. I picked her up and put her close to my heart. We watched the monitor thinking it was just going to be like any other time....her doing it and then coming right back. It wasn't. I knew in my heart this was it. She had a faint heartbeat so I told them to detach all the cords that monitor her and take out the feeding tube. They quickly removed everything and I put her back on my chest while Phillip stood next to me holding her as well. She took one last deep long breath and that was it. She was home.
I cried and cried for my baby. My heart was broken (is broken) but I am so very grateful we were with her holding her as she left us. I know she waited for all of us to be in there before she left. She is so precious and she loved us so very much. She was here on borrowed time and touched so many lives before going back to God. He sent her down with a mission in mind and I honestly believe that she completed that from all the people she touched and the faith she restored to so many. Never would I be angry for that. I'm beyond happy that not only did she touch our families lives but she touched so many strangers lives who grew to love her from pictures and simple status updates.
All the prayer and love she got kept her going, kept her fighting a little bit longer but today she knew it was time to leave this world and be back with our All mighty God. She is whole, not feeling pain, not suffering or anything like that. She is free to spread her wings.
I love you so much my precious Madi moo and it is so very hard without you here. The days will be tough but I know you are always watching over me till I can see that sweet face again. Forever you will be in my heart till the day your in my arms again. Thank you for fighting so hard for us princess. You are such a strong and brave little Angel and I am so very proud God picked me to be apart of your wonderful story. I would do it all over again because it was so so worth having you in my arms for these 10 amazing days. You have been such a blessing to us and I love you to the moon and back. All I wanted was to make sure you knew how much you were loved and I know in my heart you did.
Thank you Lord for allowing us so much time with her. We never expected to be so blessed.
Madilynn Anahera Brown
Arrived 12/5/12 @9:19 am and left us 12/15/12 @11:51 am
Thank you princess for sharing your time with us. We love you so very much.
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